Poverty, Part III

Dear Heroes,

Thank you for not being too upset with us. We really appreciate it. You should know your work in the service industries has not gone unnoticed. We see you peripherally every time we slide our credit cards at checkout stands; we think of you every time we leave a $1 tip in our hotel room, every time we pass the kitchen as we go to the restroom in our downtown restaurants. Though our smiles and thank you's may seem trite, know they're really quite sincere. We appreciate you. We greatly appreciate that you don't think about how we literally make 500 times as much as you. Thank you for that. We also admire your all-American belief in upward mobility, particularly you recent immigrants who haven't gotten lazy like these native Americans who no longer dream. For all you dreamers still out there, though, your belief in American meritocracy and God is just so good and pure; we wish we could believe in something so devoutly! Yes, you are the chosen, the salt of the earth, as He said. We just know if you keep working hard and believing hard, it will all work out for you.

We know that many of you don't have jobs right now. We also know that some of the more ambitious of you have multiple jobs. (Congrats to the 4% of our nation's men who work two full time jobs!) We would like God to bless all of you for searching for work so hard, and God bless you for seeing no other alternative. We can all pat ourselves on the back for helping to create a society whose answer to our problems is to work more service-industry jobs. It's so important that instead of pausing to clamor for more "fairness," we just get to work. In "countries" like Nicaragua, Venezuela, and Uruguay, citizens there would rather protest corrupt government or vote radically than getting their hands dirty. (Lazy bums!) Pay no attention to the intelligentsia naysayers who state that inequality in Latin America is getting better while it's getting worse in the United States. Pay no attention to the "fact" that 1% of America's citizens account now for 24% of the country's total income compared to 9% in the 70s. Pay no attention to the "fact" you have helped us increase productivity by 20% this decade despite no wage increase in middle and low incomes. We are a wonderful land of opportunity; we are the country that knows how to make money. Let us never forget that.

Your getting your duties done. We have to, too. Part of our job is creating a narrative to our shared American experience, a narrative that unites us all. E pluribus unum, right? We want you to know that we're currently working on it. We're thinking something about war or something about keeping government out of our American-spirited independent lives. Something "cinematic." And have faith: we definitely won't let the pro-abortion, pro-sodomy, anti-common people hippie mantra of saving the environment for future generations infiltrate our narrative. We are listening to what you want, and we won't disappoint.

While you're busy providing for the American citizen by working an non-unionized, entry-level job at one of our establishments, trust that our stellar educational system will 1) provide your children with the etiquette and skills you're unable to provide yourself because of your dedication to America; 2) provide the skill-set your children will need for when it comes time for them to work a job like the one you have (your legacy will live on!); 3) will feed them the food you don't have the time or capital to make. (And we'll do it scrumptuously!)

Let us also speak frankly for a moment. We are ashamed that 26% of American children live with only one parent. It's deplorable. We've heard the liberal excuses: capitalist societies pit us against one another; with weak social programs in place, stress exacerbates (that means, "make worse") human relationships; we haven't fully dealt with the legacies of slavery, industry, and the selfishness that comes from a materialistic society. All of that is propaganda from the Elite. Let us be clear: divorce and abandonment have no correlation to working 60 hours a week at $7.50 an hour. We are simply experiencing a country-wide loss of family values due to the media and immigration. We suggest you bring this up at your church; have a seminar on it. Without changing a single thing structurally to our country, let's tackle this issue together.

We also want to tell you our side of the story. There have been calls by certain Elite politicians to tax the rich more. Can you believe that we already pay just under 40% of our income to the government? Does that seem fair? That's almost half of our income! Before heroic Ronald Reagan, we paid 70% of our income to taxes. In the early 60s, the top bracket paid 90%! (Ignore the propaganda out there, the "fact" that these time periods represented the smallest amount of economic inequality in American history and greatest amount of productivity; forget that we look back longingly at the golden middle class era of the 40s and 50s; forget the "fact" that we the rich were still able to put "food on the table."; forget the "fact" that our profit comes from the hard work of underlings and at the detriment of the social and environmental fabric of America.) Just like we all treat one another equally, doesn't it seem logical we're all equally taxed?

We know you're busy and you need to get back at it. (We need to get going, too: we've got box seats for the football team we all love!) We just wanted to send you this letter to show how thankful we are for your hard work, understanding and patriotism. A friend of ours, an economic professor from Texas A&M, recently wrote, "Economic inequality is only destructive when low-wage citizenry views society as unfair, when it views effort as not worthwhile, when upward mobility is impossible or so unlikely its pursuit is not worthwhile." We're so happy that you still see the fairness, importance, and possibility in this great nation that so many don't appreciate; we're so happy that the "inequality" between us is not destructive. We're so happy that the propaganda isn't having an effect on you.

To wrap up, we Americans don't like to share, and thank God. We like our own insurance and yards and homes and cars (we're sorry that for so many of you your car is your home). We like our own liberties to do what we desire (though we can't permit you to smoke marijuana while you work for us, okay?) We are a country of individuals who want our own stuff.

But we do share one thing: our glorious democracy. We're so proud we get to share this with you. Together we will survive this difficult time. We're so lucky we have you.

Sincerely,
Us